My realest thoughts! Transition is defined as movement, passage, or change from one position, state, stage to another. In other words it’s change. This is where my life is today. No other word best describes my current state. Most people are uncomfortable with change for the fear of unknowing. When things in your life are known, it make life that much more comfortable. Change for the better or worse, still in its small way will cause us to be slightly uncomfortable. We need adjustment periods to become comfortable with our current surroundings.
For me my adjustment period is becoming comfortable with living life absent of being on the run. Most people would ask why? For almost nine years, my life consisted of being a fugitive, and in many ways it had become comfortable. This new life after all the turmoil is what takes some adjusting. Granted, it’s good to finally put my family's stress behind them, because they too suffered with every moment of my absence. However the life that is most comfortable for me is a life on the run.
Now this might sound bizarre, and to some even sad, but this was my life. In a strange way this new environment has too many questions that cause me to worry. These old familiar neighborhoods do not feel so familiar anymore. In so many ways my life mimics a veteran returning home from war. The battle wounds are embedded so deeply in my psyche that they are impossible to shake.
A recent trip to California brought back memories that were welcomed by my soul. Night after night the change from hotel to hotel, and city to city, created a comfort zone that felt so natural. The need to know my environment, the things in it, and all the moving variables creates the person that was being hawked down by law enforcement year after year. This is not to say that in some way my mind desires to be back on the run. It just says for me it was comfortable after so many years.
Glancing at normal people’s lives, their daily routines, and how they enjoy monotony makes me cringe. My soul desires to truly be free, and I found this with all those years on the run. Of course there were many worries along my path, but the reward of my mental freedom was worth the price.
Everyday you live like it’s your last. You never take any regrets to bed at night. Yeah there are limits; such is life. Being on the run teaches you to crash right into those limits. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way”, becomes your motto. During those years I would often ask myself, “What would life be like if you couldn’t feel your heart beat?” Well for me life was living on a rollercoaster! My very existence was based on knowing I was alive because I could feel my heart beat. Rapidly and all the time! It was a never ending adrenaline rush.
Now change sets in. Life comes to a screeching halt! Things are “Normal again”, but for who? Not for me! Normal for me is knowing what’s around the corner because I have circled it ten times, and have a mental view of every bush in my head. Normal for me is having a mental spreadsheet of numbers and not allowing certain ones to be crossed. Normal for me is shades, hats, glasses, and a variety looks that allow me to skate through airports. Normal for me is watching every by-passer’s feet to see what type shoes they are wearing. Normal for me is driving out of my rear view mirror. Normal for me is being ready to leave everything in thirty seconds.
How do you change so many normality's in such a short period of time? Even now, writing this blog a certain uneasiness sets in as the truth of me being monitored is stirred up. However for you, the reader, all my normality's are peculiar. You are at home and comfortable with being monitored on every social networking site. Comfortable with every Facebook quiz providing information about you that is use to make mental profiles of your thought process. In fact every thing that you feel so comfortable doing provides more and more of your personal information to the public. Texting, stored phone numbers, email, twitter, facebook, myspace, dating sites, you name it, everywhere you look you’re willingly giving your information to the world. Oh but it’s protected by passwords; right! Think about that for a moment! Now, am I the one that’s peculiar? I beg to differ. Who is really in transition?
